Sunday, December 14, 2003
What He Won't Say
"My fellow Americans…yesterday, your brave sons and daughters who make up the American--er, I mean, the coalition--forces, led by the hand of God, captured one of the incarnations of Insensate Evil that has been plaguing our world since September 11, 2001. As you have learned this morning, Saddam Hussein is now in American custody. We're a little disappointed that the bastard didn't shoot himself when he saw us coming, because now we have to have a trial. And in the interest of making the Iraqi Governing Council look legit, we have to let them do it, and they want to do it openly. It's a damn nuisance, really, seeing as how Saddam knows all kinds of stuff about how Secretary Rumsfeld and my dad dealt with him as an ally all through the 1980s that might come out at the trial and make us look bad. I can't quite figure out why we went through all this hassle of setting up military tribunals when we can't use them, but Dick said we had to have them, and what Dick says goes around here.
"You might be wondering if this means there will be any letup in the War on Terror. Goodness no. We expect that attacks in Iraq will continue until we have used sufficient fear and violence to make the Iraqi people's feelings of hatred for us turn to sweet Christian love. And after we're finished there, there are lots of other angry brown people in the Middle East and who need a good dose of American reality to turn them away from the path they're on, whatever path it is that we don't like. And to any hardliners in Iraq who might want to continue the fight now that Saddam is in the hands of justice, and to any other evildoers anywhere else who haven't yet got the message about who's really in charge on this planet, I say, 'Bring 'em on.'
"Because evil is not yet vanquished in every corner of the globe, here in the United States, our homeland security efforts will continue as before, and will wherever possible be increased. So if we start rummaging through your library records or subpoena your ISP to find out what websites you have visited, please understand that the need for such actions is only temporary, until all citizens of the Islamic world learn that America acts only out of a higher calling to bring peace and democracy and capitalism and Starbucks to every corner of the Earth.
"We must keep our homeland security efforts growing in strength and power because the other Evil One, whose name I am not going to say because it reminds people that we haven't caught him either dead or alive as I promised we would do over two years ago, is still out there. Perhaps he is living undercover as an insurance agent in Des Moines, Iowa, or a plumber in Butte, Montana, or maybe even right next door to you and your children. For this reason, you can rest assured that we're going to keep looking for him, too, doggedly and without letup, just like O. J. continues to search for Nicole's real killer.
"My fellow Americans, you will remember that I told you last spring that the sole reason we needed to go to war in Iraq was to liberate the Iraqi people from Saddam's grasp. All that other stuff you thought you heard us say about weapons of mass destruction, well, that was just the liberal media trying to distort our true intentions. We cared only about the innocent Iraqi children. Yes, we've blown a few thousand of them to Kingdom Come sort of by accident, but we deeply regret these incidents, which are actually the Iraqis' fault for letting evil grow among them. But let us not focus on our failures in Iraq, or even call them failures, because to admit any sort of failure makes you look weak, like the French and the Germans, and might make people want to vote for that other guy--oh, what's his name? Bean? Well anyway, let me instead proudly stand before you this morning, as your Maximum Leader chosen by God, and say to you, 'Mission accomplished.'
"My fellow Americans…yesterday, your brave sons and daughters who make up the American--er, I mean, the coalition--forces, led by the hand of God, captured one of the incarnations of Insensate Evil that has been plaguing our world since September 11, 2001. As you have learned this morning, Saddam Hussein is now in American custody. We're a little disappointed that the bastard didn't shoot himself when he saw us coming, because now we have to have a trial. And in the interest of making the Iraqi Governing Council look legit, we have to let them do it, and they want to do it openly. It's a damn nuisance, really, seeing as how Saddam knows all kinds of stuff about how Secretary Rumsfeld and my dad dealt with him as an ally all through the 1980s that might come out at the trial and make us look bad. I can't quite figure out why we went through all this hassle of setting up military tribunals when we can't use them, but Dick said we had to have them, and what Dick says goes around here.
"You might be wondering if this means there will be any letup in the War on Terror. Goodness no. We expect that attacks in Iraq will continue until we have used sufficient fear and violence to make the Iraqi people's feelings of hatred for us turn to sweet Christian love. And after we're finished there, there are lots of other angry brown people in the Middle East and who need a good dose of American reality to turn them away from the path they're on, whatever path it is that we don't like. And to any hardliners in Iraq who might want to continue the fight now that Saddam is in the hands of justice, and to any other evildoers anywhere else who haven't yet got the message about who's really in charge on this planet, I say, 'Bring 'em on.'
"Because evil is not yet vanquished in every corner of the globe, here in the United States, our homeland security efforts will continue as before, and will wherever possible be increased. So if we start rummaging through your library records or subpoena your ISP to find out what websites you have visited, please understand that the need for such actions is only temporary, until all citizens of the Islamic world learn that America acts only out of a higher calling to bring peace and democracy and capitalism and Starbucks to every corner of the Earth.
"We must keep our homeland security efforts growing in strength and power because the other Evil One, whose name I am not going to say because it reminds people that we haven't caught him either dead or alive as I promised we would do over two years ago, is still out there. Perhaps he is living undercover as an insurance agent in Des Moines, Iowa, or a plumber in Butte, Montana, or maybe even right next door to you and your children. For this reason, you can rest assured that we're going to keep looking for him, too, doggedly and without letup, just like O. J. continues to search for Nicole's real killer.
"My fellow Americans, you will remember that I told you last spring that the sole reason we needed to go to war in Iraq was to liberate the Iraqi people from Saddam's grasp. All that other stuff you thought you heard us say about weapons of mass destruction, well, that was just the liberal media trying to distort our true intentions. We cared only about the innocent Iraqi children. Yes, we've blown a few thousand of them to Kingdom Come sort of by accident, but we deeply regret these incidents, which are actually the Iraqis' fault for letting evil grow among them. But let us not focus on our failures in Iraq, or even call them failures, because to admit any sort of failure makes you look weak, like the French and the Germans, and might make people want to vote for that other guy--oh, what's his name? Bean? Well anyway, let me instead proudly stand before you this morning, as your Maximum Leader chosen by God, and say to you, 'Mission accomplished.'
